What should a Muslim child do when parents go wrong?

Parents are among the dearest people in a child’s life. Love, respect and obedience towards them are among Islam’s most important teachings.

The Quran repeatedly links the command to worship Allah with the instruction to treat parents kindly. But situations may arise in which parents ask their children to do something, or follow a path, that goes against the commandments of Allah. What, then, should a child do?

Islam neither encourages disobedience towards parents nor instructs children to follow them in their mistakes or wrongdoing. Instead, it offers a remarkably balanced path: a child should not go astray because of a parent’s wrongdoing, but neither should they disrespect their parents while objecting to it.

This is the beauty of Islam. Allah says: “But if they strive to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them. Yet keep them company in this world with kindness.” (Surah Luqman, 31:15)

This verse teaches an important principle. If parents call their children towards disobedience to Allah, their instructions must not be followed. However, it is not permissible to sever ties with them, mistreat them or humiliate them.

How to Correct Them When They Are Wrong

A child’s aim should not be to defeat their parents in an argument, but to guide them towards what is right. Therefore, harshness, contempt and insulting language must be avoided when speaking to them. At an appropriate time, the teachings of the Quran and Hadith should be presented to them.

Rather than engaging in direct confrontation, a child should try to explain matters with love, reason and gentleness. Allah instructed Musa (AS) and Harun (AS) to speak gently even to a tyrant like Pharaoh: “Speak to him gently, so that perhaps he may take heed or fear Allah.” (Surah Taha, 20:44)

If gentle speech was commanded even when addressing Pharaoh, it is easy to understand how gently a child should speak when trying to correct their own parents.

Islam, however, does not teach Muslims to support wrongdoing. The method of preventing wrongdoing must also be in accordance with Islamic teachings. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: “There is no obedience in disobedience to Allah; obedience is only in what is right and proper.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 7144)

Therefore, if parents instruct their child to commit a prohibited act, the child should politely refuse. This includes assisting with unlawful earnings, oppressing others, lying, depriving people of their rights or abandoning an obligatory act of worship.

Instead of responding harshly by saying, “I will not obey you,” one may say politely: “Mum and Dad, I do not want to cause you any distress, but Allah does not approve of this act, so I cannot take part in it. However, I will stand by you in every other lawful matter.”

Such an approach does not amount to disrespect towards parents, nor does it involve assisting in sin.

Leading by Example

One of the most effective ways of guiding parents is to improve oneself. If a child performs the five daily prayers regularly, speaks the truth, observes what is lawful and unlawful, serves their parents and treats them well, their life itself can become a silent form of dawah, or invitation to the faith.

In particular, if parents see positive changes in their child and realise that following the path of Islam has made them more humble, responsible and virtuous, the door to change may also open in their own hearts.

Pray for Their Guidance

Even if parents are following the wrong path, one should not stop praying for them. Rather, one should pray more for their guidance. Allah says: “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up when I was small.” (Surah Al-Isra, 17:24)

Severing Ties Is Not the Solution

Islam does not teach children to cut off relations with parents simply because they are on the wrong path. The guidance in Surah Luqman, verse 15, is clear: they must not be obeyed in matters involving disobedience to Allah, but they should still be treated kindly in worldly life.

Therefore, opposing a parent’s wrongdoing is not the same as hating the parent. The wrong action must be rejected, but the person should still be loved.

A Few Important Points to Remember

• If parents instruct their children to commit a prohibited act, they must not be obeyed.

• Parents must not be insulted, abused or humiliated while objecting to their wrongdoing.

• They should continue to be served and assisted in all lawful matters.

• Where possible, a knowledgeable and trustworthy Islamic scholar or a respected family member may be asked to help explain the matter to them.

• Children should strive to become an example to their parents through their character and deeds.

• They should pray regularly for their parents’ guidance.

• They must remain careful not to become involved in the same wrongdoing themselves.

• If the situation is particularly complex, it is best to seek guidance on the specific issue from a qualified Islamic scholar.

Therefore, when a child sees wrongdoing in their parents, they should be a well-wisher rather than a rebel, gentle rather than harsh, and a reformer rather than someone who cuts off ties. They should neither follow their parents in wrongdoing nor insult them. Instead, while keeping their faith firm, they should seek their parents’ wellbeing through love, wisdom and prayer.

May Allah grant us the ability to treat our parents with kindness, forgive their shortcomings and, when necessary, invite them towards the right path with wisdom and love. Ameen.