I can feel your warm touches every night, since you have passed away, Amma. I cannot get into deep sleep and am trying to find a way to live without you. I miss you too much. In the lonely room I can hear your voice calling me, and unconsciously look behind from my working desk but you are nowhere. Can you see me, Amma? I do not know how to settle myself leaving the habits that have grown up over the last few years of our togetherness. Every mother is special and a mother’s love knows no bounds but you were more than special to me. Still, I can smell your breaths, feel your warm touches, and hear that you roam around unescapable but you remain untouched. There is no tension around- has the oxygen level fallen? has the pressure gone up? what did the glucometer read? But your Omni-presence knocking me every single moment.
I realized that you were finally leaving us in the very early morning of 30 July 2023 at the HDU of Bangladesh Specialised Hospital (BSH) keeping all the earthly facts alive, It was worse than anything I could have thought. I could not make a call to my elder brothers, whom I kept waiting the whole night – I was not aware of what should I do? I became so hopeless and defocused - sorry my brothers, my call might give you the chance to see Amma’s last minutes. My eldest and youngest sisters ran around with their lonely sons fighting the harshness of midnight. I could not manage to explain and communicate all the details about Amma’s condition but were waiting downhearted for the last call from the doctors.
My mother was born in 1936 and was married when she was only 15 years old girl. She took charge of the grand family just the day after her marriage as my grandmother was not mentally sound enough to manage the household chores. Amma was very keen and successfully managed everything, which became possible only because my grandfather was a good friend of my mother and was always supportive of tackling the daily hazards of a greater family. My mother was a passionate champion in managing my father, who was a bit careless of family matters, and almost ignorant of managing family nitty-gritty. Amma’s capacity of managing demands of nine of our brothers and sisters and meeting the very taste and style of food was fascinating. Her dedication of managing my grandfather during his very old age still remarkable in our own locality and many of us has failed to maintain the continuation. My parents was the happiest couple I have ever seen in my life where role of my mother was above every earthly matters. She was just a person with no “Demand”.
Amma was the most selfless person, I have ever met throughout my life. Every child has a special natural bond with the mother but I had a distinctive relation with my mother. My mother was an amateur smoker who was provoked by my father to smoke. I can remember when my father stayed away from home for several days on official or political reason, my mother used to ask me to bring cigarettes from Rantanpur bazaar - the brand was the then “Star Cigarettes” – my Father’s Brand. During the last eight years, Amma was with me, I used to sleep with her but few days of disturbance by an Idiot. Our Sharif Mama – Amma’s very affectionate youngest brother was one of the most common agendas of our conversation and she used to reiterate the same childhood gossiping once and further. The way she used to talk about “Sharif Mama”, the feeling was that she was talking about her very young school going brother. Staying in distances Amma always would always think of her brothers and the only sister.
She was respected among the eldest members not only of our grand family but also of our neighbourhood – she was truly a troubleshooter and almost every morning she had to entertain people even the most seniors to my father who used to get advice from her. Her cup of morning tea was like an energizer for almost all the senior villagers and the morning gathering used to turn into a meeting to listen to their problems and provide guidance and solutions. Most of our paternal cousins were patronised to get enrolled in the school, without which their access to normal education might not happen. Throughout my life I have never seen Amma to have tussle with any of our neighbours.
My mother did not get the opportunity for higher education but she was so genius that she could have intellectual conversations with people from every walks of life. She was a common friend of the day baggers who used to come to our house and on most of the occasions Amma used to offer food whatever was available. I can easily remember that she was so friendly with some of our neighbours who were scholars in modern and religious education. The seasonal agro-labuorers who used to come from the northern part of Bangladesh during the harvest season were a big fan of Amma.
Sadrul Hasan Mazumder is a Policy Activist & Development Coordinator
