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10 tips for divorcees to find love again

  • Times of India
  • 14th August, 2015 08:47:52 PM
  • Print news
10 tips for divorcees to find love again

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How does one back into the game? There are many of us who have been through a divorce or major breakup.


The divorce rate today is 41%, so never before have there been so many 'silver singles' looking for love again. But what really strikes as worrisome is the commonality of zero confidence that people suffer from. With a steady career, a calm, committed nature and in most cases with kids, you'd assume older singles would feel fine about handling a date. Yet it is these folk who are plagued by self-doubt and anxiety. Here are 10 successful dating tips to help you dip your toes back in the water. When interviewing singles for my new dating guide, I wasn't surprised by how many had been through a divorce or major breakup. After all, the divorce rate is 41%. Never before have there been so many "silver singles" looking for love again. But what really struck me was the common theme of zero confidence. With life experience of careers, committed relationships and in most cases having children, you'd assume older singles would feel fine about handling a date. Yet they were plagued by self-doubt and anxiety.


Fear not though, I have 10 top Secret of Success tips for successful dating to help you dip your toe back in the water.


Get your timing right

The fear of being alone can put terrible pressure on you to start dating ASAP. But timing is everything.


You need to have recovered from the worst of the breakup, otherwise you won't be able to put your best foot forward with confidence.


You're probably ready when you have more good than bad moments in a day.


Look for fun and friendship

If you plunge into the singles' scene looking for love, it can appear desperate. Men easily read signs of an overly keen woman - she laughs at everything he says, picks up her phone on the first ring and replies to messages immediately.


Instead, look for fun and friendship. Keep things light-hearted, banishing the thought that he's The One the minute you see him.


Emotional baggage

The battle scars of breakups come in many forms. Two main types are unexpressed anger about the way your ex treated you and insecurities about how "dateable" you are.


If you're still fantasising about getting back at your ex, you may take this out on a new man. If you've been left with insecurities, your inner voice is probably saying, "I'm not good enough".


Boost confidence with friends' and family support before looking for love.


Be yourself - your best possible self You shouldn't pretend to be outgoing if you're quiet, or that you're up to date with technology if you can't work an iPod. Single men rank high someone who is genuine and trustworthy.


So share your interests when you meet a Mr Potential. Keep things simple and genuine, asking if they've seen a film you've just seen, or if they like that new TV drama, etc.


Resist fast-forwarding things

You're lonely and can't believe you're no longer in a relationship. There's a big void to fill. It's a powerful temptation to dive into a new one. You think, "He'll do," overlooking "red alerts" such as you've nothing in common.


When you're living happily as a single, you make a better partner. Put the brakes on if you meet someone and suddenly want to message him all the time and see him every evening. A slower pace prevents heartbreak.


The revealing things he says about exes

Watch for five key negative things he says about exes. They tell you loads about him as a potential partner.


1) It was always their fault - this man takes little responsibility.


2) He "can't trust again" - he'll look for a way out when things get serious.


3) He always makes bad choices - at some point he'll decide you're one.


4) Relationships always hurt - he's become negative.


5) He regrets being with his exes - emotional and immature. We've all had exes, you can't wish them away.


Recognise the desire to recreate your old life

No two relationships are the same, yet many who've had a committed relationship subconsciously try to recreate it. This is especially true if you didn't want to divorce.


Don't start hoping to recreate your old life. Your dating success depends on meeting a new person and accepting them for who they are.


Sex when newly single

You're an adult and can decide when you want sex. Just ensure you feel confident about who you go to bed with. But here are five reasons you shouldn't have sex:


1) You want to prove you're still attractive to men.


2) You're out of control and jumping into bed with anyone.


3) You hurt over your breakup and want comfort.


4) You hope your ex finds out and gets jealous.


5) You secretly hope this new man falls for you.


Dust off your dating confidence

Do something new every day to increase self-belief. Keep it as simple as going somewhere new for lunch or joining an evening class (a great place to meet potential dates).


Remind yourself daily of the best qualities you offer. And stop that little devil on your shoulder when it says, "No man will be attracted to me."


Never rush introductions


If you have children, don't rush to introduce them to every date. A revolving-door policy isn't emotionally healthy.


It's surprising how quickly younger children form new bonds. You won't be the only one with a broken heart if it falls apart.